LOL - you've probably seen this elsewhere, but it bears repeating:
TOOLS - What They Really Do...
DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.
SKILL SAW - A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS - Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often tool used by women.
BELT SANDER - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked , unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES - Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for ingniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS - Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating the 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW - A large stationa ry power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK - Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4 - Used for levering an automobile upward off a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS - A Tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR - A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW - A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST - A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 24 INCH SCREWDRIVER - A very large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accu rately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS - See Hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT - The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin", which is otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to comsume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and spalshing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR - A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last
tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER - A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER - Originally employed as a weapon of war. The hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object
we are trying to hit. Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging
pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinly records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL - Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "Dammit" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
you will need.
TOOLS - What They Really Do...
DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.
SKILL SAW - A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS - Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often tool used by women.
BELT SANDER - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked , unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES - Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for ingniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS - Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating the 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW - A large stationa ry power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK - Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4 - Used for levering an automobile upward off a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS - A Tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR - A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW - A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST - A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 24 INCH SCREWDRIVER - A very large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accu rately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS - See Hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT - The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin", which is otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to comsume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and spalshing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR - A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last
tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER - A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER - Originally employed as a weapon of war. The hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object
we are trying to hit. Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging
pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinly records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL - Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "Dammit" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
you will need.