| Author |
Message |
    
Paul D. Morgan (V22guy)
| | Posted on Friday, November 01, 2002 - 12:39 pm: | 
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INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
"Here are the scorecards from the event:
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>CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
>from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>________________________________________________________
>CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>________________________________________________________
>CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
>_________________________________________________
>CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>_________________________________________________
>CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very Impressive.
>JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>_________________________________________________
>CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>_________________________________________________
>CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
>Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Have a great Day,
Paul
'00 Pig |
Ross Thoma (Rossthoma)
| | Posted on Friday, November 01, 2002 - 01:05 pm: |
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OH MY GOD!!!! ROTFLMAO BIG TIME
Man I needed that. This is definatly worth sending to everyone on my email list and hell I may even use my wife's list too. |
Bill M. (Circekat)
| | Posted on Friday, November 01, 2002 - 10:19 pm: |
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ROTFLOLSTC&D! That poor man, he should have asked to be paid in advance, at least a week of beer by the sound of it. I wish I could have seen this in action. And nobody bothered to tell Frank about bread or milk??? That was awesome!! |
DougC
| | Posted on Saturday, November 02, 2002 - 10:54 am: |
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Thanks for sharing my story...I no longer eat chili...Frank |
Bill M. (Circekat)
| | Posted on Sunday, November 03, 2002 - 01:56 am: |
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I'll bet you find it amazing that you can taste anything at this point. Can you fart without the aid of ice in your shorts yet? A novice at a chili cook off?! I'll just bet that your friendly other judges were laughing their arses off! Save a copy of the story for a month or so and read it again: I'm pretty sure that then you will find the humor in it. |
Christie
| | Posted on Monday, November 04, 2002 - 06:51 pm: |
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OMG my stomach hurts from laughing so hard... hahahahaha |
Kevin Howell
| | Posted on Thursday, November 07, 2002 - 11:47 am: |
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i second that! omg, my ribs are still hurting from laughing so hard. i printed this up and took it to the john with me. i had tears in my eyes before i was halfway through it (of course, that could be from not getting enough fiber). hahahahahahahaha!!!! |
Paul D. Morgan (V22guy)
| | Posted on Thursday, November 07, 2002 - 12:22 pm: |
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I am glad that circulation is starting. |
Greg P. (Gparrish)
| | Posted on Thursday, November 07, 2002 - 02:41 pm: |
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Actually, having lived in Houston for 8 years and attended many BBQ and Chilli cookoffs, I think they actually eat dill pickle spears between tastings to cool and clean the palate.
Could be wrong though.
Greg |
Kevin Howell
| | Posted on Thursday, November 07, 2002 - 02:59 pm: |
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you're right, greg. i'm a west texas boy (san angelo), and we also use bread. ixnay on the h20. it just washes the heat right down your throat. if you must drink something, make it milk.
p.s. why do we do this to ourselves? i swear, i can't eat anything anymore unless it has picante sauce on it. |
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