| Author | Message | ||
     George Collins (Zinhead) New Member Username: Zinhead Post Number: 2 Registered: 12-2001 |
Topic: Complete military history of France.... One of our favorite Allies has been rather heroic: Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War - Tied War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. Mexican-French War - France joins Spain as the only countries to lose a war to Mexico. Can you say Cinco de Mayo? The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them. | ||
| Chris Marcel (Gumarcel) Advanced member Username: Gumarcel Post Number: 79 Registered: 11-2002 |
That is why they hate americans, they are just jealous. And bitter because we pulled them out of a few wars. | ||
| Max Thomason (Lrmax) Advanced member Username: Lrmax Post Number: 80 Registered: 11-2002 |
George! That is one of the best history lessons I have ever received. Thank you, you have make everyone here smarter by showing us why the French act like they do. I'm gonna print that out. Max T. | ||
| Landy Unregistered guest |
Not bad George, but you are forgetting that the first civilised King of England was from France, a bastard son of a King and a French servant. To this day he remains the last monarch to invade sucessfully the island. As for Napoleon losing to a British man, I strongly suggest that you go and check your military history book; you'll find that Waterloo was actually won by the prussian. Where the Brits were running home by mid-day, it was the subsequent charge of the Prussian that did it for the Corsican general. This battle is still studied in officer's schools and military history studies for those that are interested. Landy. | ||
| Blue (Bluegill) Senior Member Username: Bluegill Post Number: 1867 Registered: 02-2002 |
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A: No one knows - it's never been done before. | ||
| Blue (Bluegill) Advanced member Username: Bluegill Post Number: 1868 Registered: 02-2002 |
Q: What do you call 1,000 men with their arms up in the air? A: The French Army | ||
| KJ (Karen) Senior member Username: Karen Post Number: 11 Registered: 02-2002 |
Ah yes, as heard on the Howard Stern Show yesterday.....I love Howard as an entertainer, but it's sure not where I get my news or history lessons.....  Karen | ||
| Paul Long Unregistered guest |
KJ as in KJ(Karen) "loves Howard Stern". That just put you WAY up my list babe. | ||
| Lafayette Unregistered guest |
Another french story http://www.furman.edu/president/column18.htm Before to write, you have to think that time later you can be ashamed from what you wrote... Enjoy your Land Rover | ||
| Blue (Bluegill) advanced member Username: Bluegill Post Number: 1871 Registered: 02-2002 |
not Howard Stern, Karen - heard those this morning on the local AM news station 550 KFYI. That's where I get most of my news from. | ||
| Blue (Bluegill) advanced member Username: Bluegill Post Number: 1872 Registered: 02-2002 |
so, "Lafayette", what you are saying is that the reputation of one good man should eclipse the actions of a country 200 years later? I'm not quite sure I follow your logic, or perhaps I don't understand your point. | ||
| David Caton (Catonincarolina) Member Username: Catonincarolina Post Number: 48 Registered: 05-2002 |
link/http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=106&e=6&u=/nypost/20030212/cm_n ypost/let_s_boycott_our_ingrate__allies_ | ||
| Brian Friend (Brianfriend) advanced member Username: Brianfriend Post Number: 378 Registered: 09-2002 |
Way too funny. brian | ||
| KJ (Karen) Senior member Username: Karen Post Number: 13 Registered: 02-2002 |
Blue, Howard scooped your local AM ;) All I know Blue is that Howard mentioned he got that email yesterday from "some guy". Seems to be something floating through email servers all over the country. Paul, did you vote for me??? LOL! *Someone* (not me, Eric!) gave my post 5 stars. Yeah,I'm a Howard fan from way back, when he was in D.C. I went to a record-signing of his at a local record store and almost no one showed up, if that tells you how long ago it was. I have that record (god, it's AWFUL!) which he and Fred and some other folks signed and wrote tasteless notes all over. They were very nice guys. Karen | ||
| Jess Alvarez (Jester) New Member Username: Jester Post Number: 91 Registered: 11-2002 |
Finally a Stern fan! Good, KJ! Well either way, it doesnt take much to comprehend that any country whose foreign policy is to either roll over for a marching dictator, or conveniently oppose anything that America does until it needs help is not an ally. Perhaps the solution for our "ally" is for American's to discontinue purchasing that fine vehicle, the Peugeot (not that anyone actually buys one of these), to discontinue tourism to their rude, beret wearing croissant shops, and to stop providing any type of government aid to their economy. When are we going to realize that any country that is consistently diametrically opposed to anything we propose to do is simply not our friend? I mean, they throw rotten tomatos at Mickey Mouse, for gods sake! That is pretty frustrating, considering that we have saved their asses with the blood of our countrymen time and again. What, are we waiting for, the 'three strikes' rule to kick in? Or are we so dependent upon their little eiffel tower statue imports that we would just crumble without that fine merchandise littering our stores? Please explain..... | ||
| Paul Long Unregistered guest |
Yeah KJ that was me. That Unclean Beaver record sells for over $100.00 at record shops when you can find it. I'll admit to having one too. I went all the way down to DC when Howard & Robin were at Dupont Circle and camped out overnight to be in the first 5 in line. With a little pleading, my wife get her first lesbo toungue kiss there..... the photos made it to Howards desk with some on-air mention, then we got to meet some of the girls from the New Years Eve Pagent. Met the crew several times and they're always down to earth people. They havn't changed much from long ago. | ||
| Landy Unregistered guest |
I never understood why people would make up that sort of completly irrational comments. Since when does the US provide "governement aid" to Europe? Landy | ||
| Paul Long Unregistered guest |
Tongue - I still get flustered thinking about it | ||
| KJ (Karen) Senior member Username: Karen Post Number: 19 Registered: 02-2002 |
Paul, I have the original pressing of "50 Ways to Rank Your Mother". It's HORRIBLE, LOL! The show in a lot of ways was much funnier back then, so when they put out such a BAD record, it was a shocker. I saw Howard and the guys at a record store in Greenbelt, MD. Now, get your "frenching" and the French sorted out, you hear? I couldn't help but notice you said it was your wife's "first lesbo tongue kiss"....first??? LOL! Karen, getting out of trouble now ;) | ||
| Rans (Rans) advanced member Username: Rans Post Number: 339 Registered: 08-2002 |
Who needs the French Army anyway? Not like we would want them fighting along side us. A friend of mine at work said to me: "Leaving the French behind in this effort is like leaving your accordian home when you go hunting!" | ||
| Rupert J (Tehamarx) Member Username: Tehamarx Post Number: 15 Registered: 11-2002 |
US govt aid to Europe? Two words---"Marshall Plan" | ||
| Landy Unregistered guest |
As I understand my history books, the Marshall plan was not really a US govt aid to Europe but more like a loan (with high interest over 50 years) in order to rebuilt the place. It was after all completely FUBAR and the US economy needed somewhere to export in the medium to long term. The Marshall plan, to make the matter even more attractive, was financed with funds paid initially by the allied forces (Britain, Free French Forces and so forth) to the US in exchange of all war furnitures required to prepare 1944. The Marshall plan was finally paid up about 4 or 5 years ago as I understand... A win/win situation considering that Europe provided, in the meantime, the largest export zone to the US economy for quite a few years. Landy | ||
| Blue (Bluegill) Senior member Username: Bluegill Post Number: 1876 Registered: 02-2002 |
Karen, you're a bad, dirty girl... | ||
| Paul Long Unregistered guest |
Yes, first. I'm a lucky guy. Can't post pics of them though, since the 'other' one has celebrity status. No, not Robin. I found out a few weeks later my wife (and I?) were invited to the hotel where she was staying to take things farther. I don't know how close she may have come to actually saying yes, I may never know since by bringing it up, it could wreck the possibility of breaking the lesbo cherry. All a part of the master plan... You're right, Unclean Beaver was one of the songs on the album. I also have the full size theatrical standee from the Private Parts movie, sealed in the box. I was lucky enough to get to go to the movie premier in NY. Howard came in the Popemobile with a National Guard tank in front. Our local theater in the mall is not large enough to display things like that, so I got it from the manager. Didn't even have to steal it. |
