| Author | Message | ||
     John Moore (Jmoore) Senior Member Username: Jmoore Post Number: 655 Registered: 10-2002 |
I found this on a MG BBS. Thought I would share it with my LR breathern. For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Prise... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jesus what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! | ||
| Kevin Bridges (Craniac) Member Username: Craniac Post Number: 145 Registered: 02-2003 |
Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jesus what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! I love that one !!! | ||
| Read (Read) New Member Username: Read Post Number: 39 Registered: 11-2002 |
that one is great. this is the other one I like Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! | ||
| Jim H. (Victor_mature) Member Username: Victor_mature Post Number: 44 Registered: 02-2003 |
I love paying $20 for a book that says this on every page: Haynes: Due to the complex nature of this repair it is best left to your local Land Rover dealer or an authorized repair center. Translation: You may need a wrench. or: Haynes: Special tools are required. Translation: You may need an allen wrench. | ||
| John Moore (Jmoore) Senior Member Username: Jmoore Post Number: 659 Registered: 10-2002 |
This is me: Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Then I spend all next week scouring all the auto parts stores for a $.50 plastic snap, that doesn't just quite work... | ||
| Richard Dekkard (Richard_dekkard) Member Username: Richard_dekkard Post Number: 90 Registered: 04-2003 |
hehehehehhe... love it!!! |
