By Jeff Bieler (Mrbieler) on Monday, July 16, 2001 - 05:19 am: Edit

I don't take credit for this, but it seems awfully appropriate at times. It came of a Yahoo LR board.

How to read a Haynes Repair Manual:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Credit Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

By Wesley on Monday, July 16, 2001 - 05:29 am: Edit

Excellent analysis!

By JA on Monday, July 16, 2001 - 05:41 am: Edit

Riot!
I share your pain! Literally!

By Redneck on Monday, July 16, 2001 - 11:44 am: Edit

How to read a Haynes Repair Manual:
The redneck retort:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Redneck: which way is anti clockwise? Thats counter clockwise right? Don't british clocks spin backwards anyway?

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Redneck: retrieve 5lb sledge

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Redeck: retrieve 20lb sledge

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Redeck: I don't read nuthin' I only look at the pictures, and yup, I am askeered

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Redneck: retrieve 20lb sledge and chizel

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Redneck: Gas ax

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"
Redneck: You mean like the ones under that toyota?

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Redneck: I never use my turnsignals anyway

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Redneck: As lightly as your wife's footsteps

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Redneck: yup, the guberment gives us weekly checks

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...
Redneck: Yup I routinely change my engine, I got me a spare right up there on the porch

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Redneck: Whats a spanner?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Redneck: Why do I need two?

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Redneck: Ok I get it, standard, Metric and that funky british kind

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Redneck: They all look the same in the picture maybe they ain't different

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
Redneck: I love my loved ones

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Redneck: Yup, I can do that.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Redneck: retrieve two 20lb sledges

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"
Redneck: Yup I kilt me an inspect. It was buzzin around my head.

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Redneck: Yup I was not careful thats why we got them youngins over there.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Redneck: Is that like a jock strap?

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Redneck: Cleetus git over here!

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Redneck: Duh

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Redneck: Three years later.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Redneck: Blow torch

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Redneck: 20lb sledge, and a 2x4

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Credit Card & Mobile Phone
Redneck: duct tape, a 20lb sledge and a 2x4, and a 6 pack

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Redneck: Gas ax

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
Redneck: No pictures in there