By Horness Spencer (Horness) on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 04:15 am: Edit

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
English: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
English: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
English: That'll teach you to read through before you start; as now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Gently pry...
English: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
English: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
English: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
English: OK - that's the glass bit off, now get some long nosed pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
English: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing: then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be described as 'lightly'.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
English: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
English: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
English: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
English: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
English: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two-spanner job.

Haynes: Four-spanner rating.
English: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five-spanner rating.
English: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it fterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
English: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
English: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
English: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought; it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully......
English: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
English: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant.......
English: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
English: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder unless you refit them.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
English: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
English: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday tool kit
English: Ensure you have an RAC/AA/Green Flag Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Index
English: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

By Dean Brown (Deanbrown3d) on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 09:39 am: Edit

That made me cry! This is the second such listing I've seen, and both had me in tears. Its so completely true. If someone has a link, post it here for another read!

Dean

By Dean Brown (Deanbrown3d) on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 09:41 am: Edit

Here another one:

Haynes: Remove drain plug carefully.
English: Remove drain plug, poor boiling oil all over hand, drop plug in hot oil container, swear loudly