Here you go, Johnny Republican!

[cmondieyoung]

Saw this on another forum.. thought it was amusing. No bias expressed or implied -- just want to inspire a good ol' flame war.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving and military record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our
prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the
right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

 

[syoung]

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Iraq has solid links with terrorists. Iraq has used WMD's on their own civilians in the past. Iraq was violating UN mandates daily. Iraq was smuggling/laundering money to support anti-US causes. Back in Reagan days, our enemy's enemy was our friend, so we helped Iraq because we/they hated Iran. Then Saddam plotted to assassinate a US president. Saddam and his sons routinely killed innocent people and tortured Iraqi athletes when they lost their sport. Hardly a diversion. We did what the UN wouldn't do because the UN is corrupt and on the Iraqi payroll.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

China has showed progress in human rights, but honestly I don't know what the holdup is with Cuba. How is that a republican issue though? Sanctions have remained in place through democrat presidents too.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Yes, we should abandon UN because they are corrupt. We always get to pay the bills and do all the work while they collect under-the-table money from various sources.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

Most legislation that is felt to be anti-choice has actually been to protect the safety of women. How is it that the liberals/democrats feel that a 14 year old girl should be able to suffer through a life-changing abortion without having to notify her parents? Why? I'm pro-choice and a republican, but it's not really an issue that will change any time soon. Moot point in this election.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

What does Jesus have to do with it? I don't hate homos, nor do any republicans I know- but we don't feel they need "equality" by preference and special protections. Why should it be MORE illegal for them to be a crime victim than any normal citizen. Equal means equal, not preferred or protected by special means.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

It's Clinton who F'd the military harder than any other pres. I find this assertion gratuitous and I shall gratuitously deny it. Military pay isnt rising all that much, but quality of life improvements are in place.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

It makes it too easy. Giving something to a kid is the same as condoning the action. I can hear it now "well you gave it to me"

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

Long time allies? You mean those who asses we've saved who won't then back us up because they are taking money illegally from those we have issue with? Like France? F'ing cowards.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

Providing health care to Iraqis as far as repairing their hospitals etc is a good thing. They will go to a traditional for-profit health care system. Socialist health care sucks.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.

No business has anything more than profit in mind. That's not a partisan thing.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

I don't understand the christian zealots, but I think ALL religions should be represented in school to widen kids' understanding of the world. Global warming is a crock of shit- the Earth is still coming out of an ice age and our ability to accurately measure temperature has only recently been worked out. That's a liberal 'skay is falling, ban SUV's' kinda thing.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Uh- yeah... President should be subject to UCMJ as Commander in Chief, so yes- affair AND lying about it are grounds for action. To BE a lie by definition means you have to make a statement that is known to you to be false. Bush has intel from the US and UK that supported his claims.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

Banning gay marriages is mostly the religous nuts and not an important issue. There's been no viable attempt to censor the internet, but there is legislation that will make it easier to filter objectionable content, like all the bad words Kyle uses. That capability and rating of sites is a good thing.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving and military record is none of our business.

Bush's military records have already been looked at- Aside from the FAKE documents the liberals/democrats cooked up, what is the problem? Hillary did exactly what Martha went to jail for... they should be cell mates. In more ways than one.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our
prayers for your recovery.

He was under scrutiny for criminal charges too. Druggies get it easy unless they are repeat offenders or they have intent to distribute.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the
right to adopt.

Nationa voting falls under jurisdiction of the Feds. States have a lot of wiggle room, but must meet basic fed requirements.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

I don't even understand what you're talking about... Clinton is a tool. Bush is an ok guy- his dad was a great guy. What can ya say other than I'd rather deal with the religious nuts than the Socialists wanting to tax me more and give it away in social programs.

 

[cmondieyoung]

Hey, I'M not talking about anything.

It's just a chain-letter... probably stupid, but it has at least a few entertaining ironies.

 

[LostInBoston]

I'm against condoms in school becasue
a. I dont want to pay for kids to have sex
b. if they arent mature enough to go to 7-11 and ask the guy for a pack of lifestyles or trojans, then they arent mature enough to have sex.
c. i dont want to condone it

speakin of condoms though (from another board)

The Democratic National Committee announced today that the Democratic Party is changing its emblem from an ass to a condom. The committee chairman explained, the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

 

[LostInBoston]

Also from another board

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

 

[LostInBoston]

and another

John Kerry was scheduled to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint." The Cardinal thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it." Kerry pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, self absorbed, a hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low intelligence weasel. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen." The Cardinal continued; "He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."

 

[LostInBoston]

oldie, but goodie

Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good...
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad...

Clinton spends 77 billion on war in Serbia - good...
Bush spends 87 billion in Iraq - bad...

Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...

Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian
terrorists-good...
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad...

Clinton bombs Chinese embassy - good...
Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad...

Clinton commits felonies while in office - good...
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in jumpsuit - bad...

No mass graves found in Serbia - good...
No WMD found Iraq - bad...

Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good...
Economy on upswing under Bush - bad...

Clinton refuses to take custody of Bin Laden - good...
World Trade Centers fall under Bush - bad...

Clinton says Saddam has nukes - good...
Bush says Saddam has nukes - bad...

Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good...
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad...

Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good...
Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad...

Milosevic not yet convicted - good...
Saddam turned over for trial - bad...

 

[skydiver]

I've got a few...

A father and daughter talk politics:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of
college. Like so many others her age she considered
herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for
distribution of all wealth.

She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather
staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day
she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition
of more government welfare programs. Based on the
lectures that she had participated in, she felt that
for years her father had obviously harbored an evil,
even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be
his.

The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her
professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to
her father. He stopped her and asked her point blank,
how she was doing in school. She answered rather
haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all
the time, never had time to go out and party like
other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends
because of spending all her time studying. That she
was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good
friend Mary doing?"

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She
continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and
all she takes are easy classes and she never studies."
"But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for
her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the
time and very often doesn't even show up for classes
because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go
to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off
your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a
2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a
3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal
distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's
suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!
I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary
has done little or nothing, she played while I worked
real hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to
the Republican Party."

 

[skydiver]

and one more

The Truth about Taxes
by Kenneth Wangler

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner.
The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their
bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something
like this:

The first four men-the poorest-would pay nothing;
The fifth would pay $1:
The sixth would pay $3;
The seventh $7;
The eighth $12;
The ninth $18.

The tenth man-the richest-would pay $59.

That's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner
in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement-until one day the owner threw them a
curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm
going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."

So now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still
wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected. They would still
eat for free. But what about the other six-the paying
customers?

How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that
everyone would get his "fair share?"

The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then
the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being
*paid* to eat their meal.

So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair
to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount,
and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should
pay.

And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in
$2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth
paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52
instead of his earlier $59.

Each of the six was better off than before. And the
first four continued to eat for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth
man.

He pointed to the tenth. "But he got $7!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only
saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times
more than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man.

"Why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The
wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.
"We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the
poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine
sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They
were $52 short!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college
instructors, is how the tax system works.

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and
they just may not show up at the table anymore.

Unfortunately, Liberals cannot grasp this
straight-forward logic!

 

[antichrist]

There's one irony that I find very interesting. As everyone knows, Iraq attacked Iran during the hostage fiasco, with the backing of the US, including the use of gas. And after a bit, Iran began to whip their ass. Iraq sued for peace, and Iran's response was, "no way! We're going all the way to Bagdad and take out Saddam!"
The US response was to soundly denounce Iran's intentions, stating that no nation had the right to enter a soverign nation and remove it's leader.
I just love consistent foreign policy.

 

[QCNR]

Iraq has solid links with terrorists. Iraq has used WMD's on their own civilians in the past. Iraq was violating UN mandates daily. Iraq was smuggling/laundering money to support anti-US causes. Back in Reagan days, our enemy's enemy was our friend, so we helped Iraq because we/they hated Iran. Then Saddam plotted to assassinate a US president. Saddam and his sons routinely killed innocent people and tortured Iraqi athletes when they lost their sport. Hardly a diversion. We did what the UN wouldn't do because the UN is corrupt and on the Iraqi payroll.

Nothing the US hasnt done then

China has showed progress in human rights, but honestly I don't know what the holdup is with Cuba. How is that a republican issue though? Sanctions have remained in place through democrat presidents too.

BIG HUGE sweaty B0LL0CKS

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

It makes it too easy. Giving something to a kid is the same as condoning the action. I can hear it now "well you gave it to me"

Stick your head in the sand and it doesnt happen.....
Why has Texas (no sex edducation allowed in schools) got one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates????

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

Long time allies? You mean those who asses we've saved who won't then back us up because they are taking money illegally from those we have issue with? Like France? F'ing cowards.

Why should they automatically suppurt the US in an illegal war??? Could it have something todo with that TotalFinaElf lost all contract rights to oil exploration and extraction as their contracts were with Saddam. However they were also left off the list of approved contractors to help rebuild Iraq, whereas Bush`s buddy Cheney and Halliburton seem to be doing well????

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

Providing health care to Iraqis as far as repairing their hospitals etc is a good thing. They will go to a traditional for-profit health care system. Socialist health care sucks.

Why does a national healthcare system paid from incometax that treats everyone equally
suck????? But I suppose you have enough money to pay for yours...Isnt that a form of tax, just named differently??

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

I don't understand the christian zealots, but I think ALL religions should be represented in school to widen kids' understanding of the world. Global warming is a crock of shit- the Earth is still coming out of an ice age and our ability to accurately measure temperature has only recently been worked out. That's a liberal 'skay is falling, ban SUV's' kinda thing.[/qoute]


Well I suppose Bush knows better than any scientist that has been researching the subject for decades.... Wouldnt want the oil companies to feel squeezed...

Uh- yeah... President should be subject to UCMJ as Commander in Chief, so yes- affair AND lying about it are grounds for action. To BE a lie by definition means you have to make a statement that is known to you to be false. Bush has intel from the US and UK that supported his claims. [/qoute]



But using old outdated "intelligence" that is known to be dubious at best is alright as long as it serves the purpose.

Bush is an ok guy- his dad was a great guy.

 

[Discojunky]

we are screwed either way. Commom sense and accountabliity are out the window and have been replace with lies and warm fussies to dupe people into thinking that politicans are looking out for you when all they are concerned about is power and financial security. It makes me sick to see the deterioration of this country that I have seen in my short life and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, I will vote its just makes me feel like my choices are a kick in the balls or a knife in the back so it won't be a pleasant experience for me.

 

[LostInBoston]

Iraq has solid links with terrorists. Iraq has used WMD's on their own civilians in the past. Iraq was violating UN mandates daily. Iraq was smuggling/laundering money to support anti-US causes. Back in Reagan days, our enemy's enemy was our friend, so we helped Iraq because we/they hated Iran. Then Saddam plotted to assassinate a US president. Saddam and his sons routinely killed innocent people and tortured Iraqi athletes when they lost their sport. Hardly a diversion. We did what the UN wouldn't do because the UN is corrupt and on the Iraqi payroll.

Nothing the US hasnt done then

actually the US hasnt done any of this. The US doenst torture its own civilians. And dont even bring up the pictures, cuz tats a far cry from putting people in wood chippers or feeding them to lions etc. We also never used WMD's on our own people. we used them once in response to us being attacked and to end a world war. if hitler got them first, youd be speaking german right now. And dont just respond with some BS, at least try to back up any claims with a credible source. and liberal rags are not credible sources.

 

[rovercanus]

The problem is we have a 2 party system with no real choice but to vote for the 2 idiots that the partys are puking at us.
They're both assholes but I guess I'll stick to the asshole we have instead of the asshole we don't.

 

[kennith]

That's precisely the way it works, Skydiver.

Cheers,

Kennith

 

[syoung]

the reason Texas has the high teen prego rates is because of young illegal immigrants crossing the border for sole sole purpose of plopping out a kid- which by brithright will then be a US citizen. that makes up for an astounding number of the teen pregos-

Haliburton was awarded large contracts before Bush was in office- it was no big deal then. Yeah- I'm sure they waged a whole war so big H could get some work- bullshit.

Illegal war? BIG HUGE sweaty B0LL0CKS

National healthcare would suck- the last thing I want is a politician deciding what dr or what procedure I can have done. You're right- I have money for my health care because I have a damned job. No job- no money and I couldn't care less about those who don't work... unless they have a legit reason. Not just someone claiming they can't work because they are too fat or something.

 

[FIVESPDDISCO]

Only one family could fly on sep 12th!


Send your kid to die for oil money and then tell me who to vote for.

 

[QCNR]

actually the US hasnt done any of this. The US doenst torture its own civilians. And dont even bring up the pictures, cuz tats a far cry from putting people in wood chippers or feeding them to lions etc. We also never used WMD's on our own people. we used them once in response to us being attacked and to end a world war. if hitler got them first, youd be speaking german right now. And dont just respond with some BS, at least try to back up any claims with a credible source. and liberal rags are not credible sources.

HMMMMM really, maybe you should look a bit closer at your countries military history...
Although they havnt directly used WMD to kill people, during the 40`s 50`s and 60`s
the US military used its own people as volunteers to test the effects of various WMD agents including nuclear weapons, chemical agents as well as various types of drugs and halucenogenic agents.
Your various governments have also supported terrorist groups to suit its own means, central america, afghanistan, Iraq....
They have also allowed terrorist groups to have fundraising campaigns asswell as allowed them to train on US soil (IRA)

So dont think your government is squeeky clean as it will use any means available to achieve its goals...

And I speak german aswell as write it as I used to live in Adolfs birth country Austria

Also if you think that the allies were hollier than thou during WWII think again, as the allies and russians combined commited just as many atrocities as the Germans, its just that "we" won so that isnt talked about.......

 

[QCNR]

National healthcare would suck- the last thing I want is a politician deciding what dr or what procedure I can have done. You're right- I have money for my health care because I have a damned job. No job- no money and I couldn't care less about those who don't work... unless they have a legit reason. Not just someone claiming they can't work because they are too fat or something.

Well sorry but you are wrong on that point. Norway has a free healthcare.
I can choose which doctor I want as my General Practitioner (dont know what the equivalent would be in the US)
If I need to be admitted to a hospital for treatment I can choose which hospital to use in the country.
I can be admitted to A+E anywhere without filling out insurance papers first and will recieve all neccesary treatment regardless of cost.

I think I will stay here......

 

[curtis]

Stick your head in the sand and it doesnt happen.....
Why has Texas (no sex edducation allowed in schools) got one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates????

Don't make stuff up to prove a point. I took sex ed in Texas and they still teach it today. This article:


http://www.cnn.com/2004/EDUCATION/08/05/texas.textbooks.reut/

discusses why they have changed the textbooks to include abstinence. The reason they are making this change is due to the high incident of pregnacies. The issue existed long before this change happened. This was simply a reaction to it.